Tales of an Evil(ish) Fangirl She-Cat
by Leopardbreath
Summary: You can learn a lot from a she-cat like Leopardbreath. Like the fact that the rest of ThunderClan may or may not accept your fangirl ways. Or that it is not wise to single-handedly start a war with Target. And let's not forget the Incidents. (Yes, the summary is horrible. I'm working on it. Rated T cuz it's Warriors.)
1. The Ceremony

**Chapter 1: The Ceremony **

Fifth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF (AF is After Firestar. There is an entire era named after him, and for good reason. They had to stop putting candles on his cake when he started a forest fire on his 300th birthday.)

Leopardpaw was excitedly pacing around the camp. Today was her warrior ceremony. Her apprenticeship had been mostly uneventful, save for a few "incidents". No matter what the other leaders said, burying WindClan in a mountain of whipped cream was the best prank ever. Best to punish those moor-runners for producing so many jerky cats.

Her brother Tigerpaw was going to be a warrior that day too. Leopardpaw was surprised that he had survived his apprenticeship. He seriously asked why they needed to hunt if there was a giant supermarket right in the middle of ThunderClan's territory. So what if he made a good point. Tigerpaw was an idiot, end of story.

Leopardpaw's best friend Rosepaw padded over. Rosepaw was a great friend: Intelligent, loyal, and versatile. Great qualities in an accomplice for pranking and murder. Not that they had murdered anyone. Yet.

"So, your ceremony's today!" Rosepaw mewed.

"Yeah, they had to move it back after the whole whipped cream thing. And Tigerpaw is only just starting to regain the trust of the clan after the Incident."

Rosepaw shuddered. The Incident was still a sore subject for many.

"You're lucky that your mother's the clan leader." Rosepaw purred. "Otherwise you would have been so dead."

Leopardpaw was about to reply when she heard Fuzzystar call the clan to order.

"ALL CATS WHO ARE STILL ALIVE-ISH GATHER NOW!"

The clan ran over.

"Today, my kits shall become warriors! Yay me!"

She turned to Tigerpaw.

"Tigerpaw, do you promise to do whatever the magic oath thing says?"

"Rhinoceros."

"Good enough! Your name is Tigerface!"

The clan chanted his name. Well, the half that was over the Incident did.

"Your turn, Leopardpaw! Do you promise to never ever be a bad kitty ever again?"

"How come I get a different oath?"

"JUST SAY YES!"

"Fine. Yes."

"Good! Your name is, um…" Fuzzystar paused to think of a good name.

"Leopardbreath!"

Leopardpaw, now Leopardbreath, stood there, stunned.

Slowly, she smiled that smile that people get before they go on a killing spree.

"Leopardbreath? Leopardbreath? LEOPARDBREATH? HOW COME I DIDN'T GET LEOPARDFANG OR LEOPARDCLAW OR LEOPARD-SOMETHING-BETTER-THAN-BREATH! IS THIS YOUR REVENGE FOR THE WHIPPED CREAM THING? OR THE BUTTERFLIES? I DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE TOXIC!"

The clan excitedly watched to see where this would go.

"Wait a minute. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Leopardbreath screamed at the sky.

"Uh, who are you talking to?" Fuzzystar asked nervously.

"THE WRITER! DUH! IT'S ALL HER FAULT! SHE'S THE ONE WHO MASHED THE KEYBOARD ON THE NAME GENERATOR! CURSE YOU!"

Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Meteors fell from the sky. Everything turned rainbowy and neon. The entire multiverse exploded and poofed back into existence.

"Uh, what's happening?" Leopardbreath mewed as she watched the chaos.

"YOU BROKE THE UNSPOKEN RULE TO NEVER EVER EVER FOURTH WALL, YOU IMBECILE!" Fuzzystar screamed as hundreds of tiny pink demons tried to eat her.

"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A RULE!" Leopardbreath screamed back.

"IT WAS AN UNSPOKEN RULE!"

"WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"

"YOU STARTED FIRST!"

"NO, YOU DID!"

"THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM! AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL I SAY SO!" Fuzzystar hissed.

"FINE!"

And with that, Leopardbreath stormed away.

Rosepaw observed this.

"She's gonna be so pissed when she finds out I blackmailed Fuzzystar into naming her that."

Not so loyal now, are ya?


	2. Dear Diary

**Chapter 2: Dear Diary**

**Hello internet! So stuff happened with school and I was unable to update for a while. This is mostly filler since I am having trouble with ideas. So, some reviews with ideas would be much appreciated. Or reviews. Alright, onward with Leopardbreath! **

Sixth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

I hate everyone. Mostly my mother, and the writer. How the muffin was I supposed to know that breaking the fourth wall was a highly illegal and unspoken rule? NOBODY TELLS ME ANYTHING ANYMORE! AND APPARENTLY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE SAYS THAT ROSEPAW MADE FUZZYSTAR NAME ME LEOPARDBREATH! AND THAT ANONYMOUS SOURCE IS MY STALKER HAWKPAW! WHY DOES HE NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE? AND NOW MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN SO I'LL ALWAYS LOOK LIKE I'M MAD EVEN WHEN I'M NOT! OF COURSE, I'M MAD ALL THE TIME, SO IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. HAWKPAW! GO AWAY! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?

Seventh Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

My caps lock was mysteriously fixed overnight. It was probably Hawkpaw. Blah. What a creep. HAWKPAW HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE I SWEAR EVERYONE IN THIS CLAN MOVES LIKE A CAT-wait.

Eighth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

I received a freshly baked cheesecake with a sorry-I-made-your-clan-leader-mother-give-you-a-stupid-name card from Rosepaw. Who knew they made those anymore? Ivywhisker's greeting card business must be going well. There are just no high-quality things in the clans anymore. It's like our camps were build by creatures with no opposable thumbs-wait.

Ninth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

Exile, day 4. Supplies of cheesecake running low. General spirits low. Received ten large containers of Oreo ice cream that I cannot eat at any cost because Hawkpaw gave them to me and tainted their Oreo goodness with his stalker infection.

Tenth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

Exile, day 6. Or is it day 5? I can't keep track anymore. Cheesecake supply gone. Must not eat ice cream, which has magically stayed frozen despite the fact that I do not own a freezer. Yet another sign of Hawkpaw's stalker infection. Speaking of, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING THERE? MY DOOR IS GUARDED BY LASER SHARKS, WHICH MAGICALLY STAY ALIVE DESPITE THE FACT THAT I LIVE IN A FREAKING FOREST. NOW LEAVE! I'M TRYING TO SOUND DRAMATIC!

Eleventh Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

So hungry. Food. Leopard want food. Not ice cream. But it look so yummy. No Leopard, ice cream bad. Is paper food?

Twelfth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

I am sorry to say that I may die. I broke. I ate all the ice cream in approximately 3.6896 seconds. Not that I was counting or anything. I can feel Hawkpaw's stalker infection spreading into my brain. Or is that the brain freeze? I can't tell.

Thirteenth Day of Mid-Newleaf, Year 25 AF

Dear Diary,

YESSSS I'M FREEEEEEEE! My mother said that I am ready to begin warrior duties and that I have had enough punishment. Strangely, I can find no sign of Hawkpaw's stalker infection in me. Maybe I have a natural immunity from being Tigerface's littermate. The world may never know.


End file.
